Married couples often take each other for granted, I think.  It's easy to do. 

The early years are filled with the excitement and the frustration of exploring how to create a relationship, intimacy and the things you enjoy together.  The middle years can cause what some call the "roller coaster" ride of the companionship, possible complacency or differences not seen in the courting days which can lead to boredom and worse. 

In later years, the marriage becomes a true lasting friendship for those who make it through "til death do us part." That's what I experienced with my very best friend and most beautiful wife, Patty. We never took each other for granted.  I loved her from the day I met her until the final moments of her life as I held her hand and she slipped away. And while my love continues ... I have a heart that aches for her smile, her presence and to be able to tell her every night that I loved her. 

Patty passed away Nov. 6 with our family at her side.  In our 53 and 1/2 years as husband and wife we experienced the range of marital emotions and became one.

No, we didn't always think alike. We were complete opposites actually.  However, we always made decisions together; all major purchases from appliances to cars to the houses we owned and there were no secrets.  We cared for each other especially as we aged and painfully watched terminal illnesses rob our friends of their partners of decades.  But our lives were brightened talking to our children, doing mundane things like going to the store, (we thoroughly enjoyed walking the aisles of the grocery store in Clinton, NY...honest!) spending a night out at our club or favorite restaurant and simply enjoying each other's company.  Our love was always in bloom.  

I was truly blessed.  Patty was everything to me and more.  More importantly, she fulfilled a need she didn't even know about; I desperately needed emotional support and reassurance.

My parents, typical of their Depression Era background, simply didn't know how to offer their children love.  My sister and I often wondered whether we were the ornaments mom and dad needed to ensure themselves that they were a normal couple.

When a child has to ask a parent if he or she loves them...you can guess the difficulty the youngster has about his existence.  My parents would get visibly upset with the question. "Of course we love you...why would you ask!!" my father would shout indignantly.  But he never said it publicly claiming that "real men don't talk about that sort of thing."  My mother would be upset if I kissed her in private or public.  From the earliest age that I can remember, she never kissed me in private and certainly never in public.   

That's one of many reasons why Patty Beaty Behrens was the most beautiful woman in my life.

She was an extraordinary person of many talents and a strong desire for privacy.

She transformed and molded a young, immature man who thought his life was going to be as a musician into a husband committed to becoming the best writer he could be (that was the trade off...drums for typewriter!) to fulfill his own needs and earn a living for the family in a field where failures far outnumber successes.  Yes, there is an outstanding woman behind every man whether he's successful or not.  Our marriage was testimony to such wisdom.  

Along the way I became an educator, wrote and edited 20 books including a best seller, a national magazine editor/ writer and columnist and earned what we felt we needed to be a comfortable. But we had to make sacrifices to maintain our roles, too. Like every couple, we stumbled, faltered, made mistakes and continued to regroup to face the next challenge.

Who made the difference? And who made it possible for me?

Patty.  She generously gave me the time at nights, weekends and even holidays without complaining about how I wasn't sharing in raising the kids, doing housework, helping around the house, fixing something or other or calling the plumber.  Yet, I made sure that my kids had their dad's support in their activities.  We both did.  She was an ADA dietitian who worked fulltime and parttime through 30 years while keeping a very tidy house, raising our daughter Cindy and son Mark and tending to her garden wherever we lived...and paying the household bills (she took over the task when she found out mathematics wasn't my strong suite!)  I marveled at her use of waking hours.  

One look at her impressive resume tells anyone that she was a person who was committed to her career. In fact, in the early years while we moved from one academic location to another, she earned incomes slightly larger than what I made.  It bothered me...but she laughed and told me "we're doing this together." Over the years as my income as an educator grew and my outside income doubled, tripled and even quadrupled, I made sure that it was spent on projects she wanted in the house or for her to wear. I gladly kept her in gift cards each anniversary of our wedding at Talbots. I wanted her to have whatever she wanted even though she protested that she only needed me.

We didn't believe in gaudy or glitz.   She was a discreetly classy lady with impeccable taste.

We were committed to moderation; we took few trips outside the US, mostly journeys were on vacations to family sites in Florida or Ohio.  We listened to friends tell us about jetting to Europe, Britain, the islands or their cruises but while we were truly happy for them...we felt visiting family was more important even when my mom and dad sometimes gave us the feeling we weren't welcome.  On several visits to the family home in Ohio my father actually asked me shortly after we arrived when I thought we would be leaving!  Boringly normal?  Exactly and we loved it!

Patty died of an insidious disease; Ovarian cancer.  It was a horribly painful two years we endured and it still gives me nightmares. While I'm relieved her pain and suffering are over it makes the grieving process so difficult.  Why?  I couldn’t do anything but watch my beautiful wife of a half century suffer in agony. 

Twenty years earlier she saved my life...but I could do nothing to save hers. 

Three doctors in Central New York were convinced I had lung cancer and told me that I had to get to Sloan Kettering right away or I could die.  Patty insisted we get a fourth opinion even when our insurance company, Aetna, said three opinions were enough.  We went to Bassett Hospital in Cooperstown armed with all the X-rays, a Catscan and an MRI.  The young pulmonologist we met told us he didn't want the assorted x-rays from elsewhere.  He'd take his own.  A week later he told me I didn’t have lung cancer...I had nodules of pneumonia left over from a bout with the disease about a year earlier.  Patty's perseverance with the doctors and the insurance company are the reason I didn't lose a lung or worse. 

A condolence card from Clinton friends Grace Whittemore and her husband Frank said it best about my wife (who never liked it when I introduced her as my wife; "my name is Patty," she insisted):

Grace worked with Patty when the two were on the staff at Hospice of Central New York.

She wrote:  "Patty was an incredibly wonderful giving woman who made a big difference in so many lives.  Your loss is also the world's loss."

Others witnessed the inner and physical beauty of the woman I loved so much...Patty Beaty Behrens. I will miss her forever.

Please consider a gift for Patty or deceased friends to the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund at OCRF.org, Hospice and Palliative Care Inc, Middle Settlement Road, New Hartford, NY 13413 (or the Hospice nearest you)  or the Trinity Lutheran Church, 2620 Genesee St, Utica, NY 13502.  You can write Jack at jbehrens@roadrunner.com.